Whirlwind of Grief
It feels strange and a little freeing to be writing this. It's been almost a year since I've written anything and it's taken months of convincing myself to let my busy mind flood onto this page. Not because of a lack of time, or desire, or words, but mostly because grief is a weird thing. It traps you. It's suffocating. And I think now, it's not that the pain isn't present or very much still real, but I finally was able to take a breath. A breath of fresh air, and maybe it'll be another three months before I can take my next, but I know now that God gives us enough oxygen to make it to the next inhale.
2018 was a year of grieving. It was also the best year of my life. A weird paradox that I really didn't know what to do with. Every ounce of me found it to be conflicting, and confusing, and overwhelmingly painful. Being able to bring joy to my current circumstances required this process of grieving what I had walked away from and accepting that my current reality looked different than my past reality, but that that didn't mean it was any less beautiful or spiritually inspired. The problem was, I didn't really know what I was grieving and honestly it took me quite some time to even realize that this consuming emotion was grief.
But then on October 18, 2018, after a year and a half of fighting for his life my uncle died. And even writing those words still bring floods of tears to my eyes. This unexplainable emotion was escalated to new heights. Grief is a killer. Of joy, of personality, of being able to feel anything else. Not only did I lose my uncle that day, but I lost the last pieces of myself that were still trying to hang on.
The thing about grief is that you aren't just saddened by one event that you have to learn to accept and move on from, you are confronted by every insecurity that you've ever experienced, every trial you've ever faced, every battle you've had to conquer. Grief brings about confusion and pain that can either destroy you or make you stronger, neither option being any easier than the other. For awhile I allowed it to destroy me. It robbed me of my joy, my compassion, my desire for excellence in all that I do. It left me isolated. All the awkwardness and uncertainty of the grief I had experienced over the year now had a giant culprit. It was justification for the destruction.
As we ended 2018 and have just begun the journeys that 2019 hold, I find myself in a place of deeper understanding and clarity. There are pieces of 2018 that I will choose to treasure despite the despair I often felt. There are deeply rooted reasons to choose joy, and I'm slowly in the midst of the pain gaining back strength to say "I trust You, Father!"
While this past year brought struggles in many forms, there are a few things that I hold so tightly to in celebration! My family, being the first! Living thousands of miles apart from each other, while difficult at times, has made moments together so much sweeter. I wouldn't trade them for the world, and knowing that they have fought for me and with me in every season of this past year brings joy to my heart. The second thing that keeps me going is the celebration of my uncle's life and the sweet care my aunt so graciously gave him. My uncle displayed honorable character in everything that he did. He loved thousands of people like I've never seen before, leaving no one feeling that they were lesser than someone else. His life spoke volumes of the character of Christ we should all be carrying. While losing him was one of the deepest pains I've ever experienced, I also rejoice because I was able to know him.
Above all else, the thing that has brought me the greatest joy this past year is my boyfriend, Harrison. I am so undeserving of him, but love him beyond words. He is by far the biggest blessing in my life, and I know without a doubt that God gave me him when He did because He knew I would want to give up. God knew I needed to tangibly see and feel His love on a daily basis. He knew that when I didn't believe in myself I would need someone standing next to me who did. I've never known someone who displays the Lord's heart in such a real way. It's not that I was dependent on Harrison for my joy, but rather that the Lord gave me His joy through Harrison's life. So many days I wanted to give up, runaway, isolate myself, just find something that would make the pain stop. But, everyday, my good and my bad, Harrison wrapped his arms around me with the love of Christ.
Looking back on 2018, while it's easy to see the pain, it's slowly becoming more and more evident that God used Harrison when He did to show me just how good He is. And for that, it was the best year of my life.
Now walking into 2019, I pray that while we still feel the pain of his absence, we would cling tightly to my uncle's sweet joy and tender chuckles. That we would live each day of this new year to it's absolute fullest knowing that that is exactly what he would do. Finding each little thing that can be a 'happy', and stopping at every DQ along the way!
In loving memory of Steve Mohler
~ We fight today, because in the short time you were here, you gave us all you had. ~
2018 was a year of grieving. It was also the best year of my life. A weird paradox that I really didn't know what to do with. Every ounce of me found it to be conflicting, and confusing, and overwhelmingly painful. Being able to bring joy to my current circumstances required this process of grieving what I had walked away from and accepting that my current reality looked different than my past reality, but that that didn't mean it was any less beautiful or spiritually inspired. The problem was, I didn't really know what I was grieving and honestly it took me quite some time to even realize that this consuming emotion was grief.
But then on October 18, 2018, after a year and a half of fighting for his life my uncle died. And even writing those words still bring floods of tears to my eyes. This unexplainable emotion was escalated to new heights. Grief is a killer. Of joy, of personality, of being able to feel anything else. Not only did I lose my uncle that day, but I lost the last pieces of myself that were still trying to hang on.
The thing about grief is that you aren't just saddened by one event that you have to learn to accept and move on from, you are confronted by every insecurity that you've ever experienced, every trial you've ever faced, every battle you've had to conquer. Grief brings about confusion and pain that can either destroy you or make you stronger, neither option being any easier than the other. For awhile I allowed it to destroy me. It robbed me of my joy, my compassion, my desire for excellence in all that I do. It left me isolated. All the awkwardness and uncertainty of the grief I had experienced over the year now had a giant culprit. It was justification for the destruction.
As we ended 2018 and have just begun the journeys that 2019 hold, I find myself in a place of deeper understanding and clarity. There are pieces of 2018 that I will choose to treasure despite the despair I often felt. There are deeply rooted reasons to choose joy, and I'm slowly in the midst of the pain gaining back strength to say "I trust You, Father!"
While this past year brought struggles in many forms, there are a few things that I hold so tightly to in celebration! My family, being the first! Living thousands of miles apart from each other, while difficult at times, has made moments together so much sweeter. I wouldn't trade them for the world, and knowing that they have fought for me and with me in every season of this past year brings joy to my heart. The second thing that keeps me going is the celebration of my uncle's life and the sweet care my aunt so graciously gave him. My uncle displayed honorable character in everything that he did. He loved thousands of people like I've never seen before, leaving no one feeling that they were lesser than someone else. His life spoke volumes of the character of Christ we should all be carrying. While losing him was one of the deepest pains I've ever experienced, I also rejoice because I was able to know him.
Above all else, the thing that has brought me the greatest joy this past year is my boyfriend, Harrison. I am so undeserving of him, but love him beyond words. He is by far the biggest blessing in my life, and I know without a doubt that God gave me him when He did because He knew I would want to give up. God knew I needed to tangibly see and feel His love on a daily basis. He knew that when I didn't believe in myself I would need someone standing next to me who did. I've never known someone who displays the Lord's heart in such a real way. It's not that I was dependent on Harrison for my joy, but rather that the Lord gave me His joy through Harrison's life. So many days I wanted to give up, runaway, isolate myself, just find something that would make the pain stop. But, everyday, my good and my bad, Harrison wrapped his arms around me with the love of Christ.
Looking back on 2018, while it's easy to see the pain, it's slowly becoming more and more evident that God used Harrison when He did to show me just how good He is. And for that, it was the best year of my life.
Now walking into 2019, I pray that while we still feel the pain of his absence, we would cling tightly to my uncle's sweet joy and tender chuckles. That we would live each day of this new year to it's absolute fullest knowing that that is exactly what he would do. Finding each little thing that can be a 'happy', and stopping at every DQ along the way!
In loving memory of Steve Mohler
~ We fight today, because in the short time you were here, you gave us all you had. ~
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